A wisdom bomb for life and leadership was dropped on me over lunch by an new friend I met at a conference.
Two dads. Two sandwiches. One honest conversation about raising kids in this crazy world — what’s working, what’s not, and how to get it right. At one point, I mentioned the goal my wife and I share for our two daughters: to raise strong, confident young women.
That’s when he set his sandwich down, slid his water aside like he was clearing space for something sacred, and leaned in. His tone changed.
“Listen to me, and take this to heart,” he said.
“Don’t tell your kids you’re proud of them.”
What?
I thought my new friend had just forfeited all parenting credibility. But he stayed locked in — still leaning forward, eyes steady.
“Seriously,” he said. “Don’t tell them, ‘I’m proud of you.’”
He paused long enough for my confusion to register, then smiled slightly.
“Of course you’re proud of them, Kevin. But instead of saying ‘I’m proud of you,’ say this…”
“You should be proud of yourself.”
Boom. Lightning vs. lightning bug, as Mark Twain might say.
“I’m proud of you” makes pride something I give someone.
“You should be proud of yourself” makes it something they give themselves.
That shift removes me as the source — and gives them permission to own their pride, even when I’m not there. It strengthens their inner voice — the one that counters self-doubt and insecurity.
In Growth Mindset terms, it celebrates effort and action. Each time they hear it, they become one repetition stronger in confidence.
Since that day, I’ve caught myself mid–“proud dad” moment and made the adjustment: “Hey buddy, that was tough — you should really be proud of yourself.”
And every time, I’ve been smart enough do this, I’ve seen the impact in real-time: a tiny spark behind the eyes. A click of realization. “Yeah, you know what, I should be.”
A seed planted.
That seed doesn’t just grow in parenting. It applies everywhere — friends, spouses, teammates, employees, even strangers online. Any time someone steps into discomfort, shows vulnerability, or accomplishes something meaningful, the opportunity is there to plant the seed.
Get out of the pride-bequeathing role. Help them see themselves as worthy of pride.
Three years ago, my dad passed away. After 66 years of marriage, my mom had to start a new chapter without her wingman. That meant standing on her own, meeting new people, trying new things. For her, each step came with fear, uncertainty, and anxiety — the same emotions any of us feel when starting over.
She doesn’t need her son to give her pride. She needs to see her own strength in the mirror after a day stepping out of her comfort zone, and whisper: “You know, Anita… you should be proud of yourself.”
That’s where her power comes from. She sees it…she owns it…she takes strength from the fact that she’s the source of pride.
Strong, confident woman — still.
Of course, this lesson isn’t just for parenting. It’s a leadership principle. It’s one thing for a leader to see potential in someone. It’s another for that person to see it in themselves.
As performance expert Rock Thomas says: “The most powerful force in the human psyche is how we describe ourselves to ourselves.”
Hearing “I’m proud of you” feels good.
Hearing “You should be proud of yourself” changes how someone talks to themselves — and how they show up next time. It builds internal fuel. They no longer depend on an external pride dispenser.
So yes — be proud of those around you. Celebrate them. Acknowledge their effort and accomplishment. But do it in a way that helps them become the source of their own confidence.
I invite you to practice the shift. From pride-bestower to seed-planter. And when you get it right — when you see that spark in someone’s eyes — just know…
That’s a big deal.
You should be proud of yourself.
